I was a working mother when my oldest son was born. But I wasn’t happy at work. It’s most likely because I felt unfulfilled. But, not enough for me to really want to give up the job because of the “convenience” factor.
I whined to my husband incessantly about my right to be able to be with my baby and the corporation’s unrealistic expectations for return. There was no way I was going to leave my baby in someone else’s care unless they were qualified. And remember: You can’t pay someone enough money when they are willing to do it for Free. I knew in my heart no one could love my children for free like I could. I’m their Mom.
So when the economy tanked; I thanked God. I told myself, this is a blessing in disguise. Where those around me saw insecurity I saw strength.
However, my husband being the older and wiser of the two of us said to me “Use this time. Figure out what you want – Go for it!” And as my mom chimed it “Time is promised to no one.” I only felt more pressure. Ugh!
But truth be told no matter what advice was being thrown my way; I was just trying to make up for lost time with my babies. I didn’t want to hear anyone’s opinion until I could fill the void in my heart and get over the guilt of not being there. It’s personal.
I delighted being with my children, making every day an adventure and almost exhausting myself to share my “world” with them.
One year quickly became two years; One baby quickly became three. And I began to put myself on the back burner. I delighted in being home and truly believe that this is the true place for a woman’s heart to be at peace.
So why am I not in Peace?
I’ll be honest, I’ve been struggling with myself lately as I believe most professional women do and you can’t blame anyone for your Life except for you.
What should come first my career or my children and how am I supposed to balance it? One part of me is pulling for my children but the other part is silently scratching at my heart.
Don’t get me wrong; searching for happiness is a luxury not everyone is afforded so I’m not complaining. But, you better believe I am questioning.
It’s a constant battle within me and my heart always gives in to my children which is why I think the struggle is so hard. I’m completely self-sacrificing as most women are.
My husband forced me to look deep inside myself. Scary.
But, you’ll never convince me that sitting 8 hours at a desk as a placeholder is enough to keep me away from my children. And, the truth is that I don’t want to be away from them but I recognize now, that the time that they need to depend on me is coming to an end. And, if I want to be healthy I will need to work.
But doing what?
I worked hard these last five years – harder and longer hours than any employer could ever have hoped; for FREE and I enjoyed it, I was “happy”.
But happiness is a complicated issue. There are so many pieces that make us a whole person that it really is the journey that we should be happy with.
But, now as my children take their first steps towards independence I see that my journey will once again change.
And my search for happiness continues.
Live and Learn. We all do.
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