I was a working mother when my oldest son was born.  But I wasn’t happy at work.  It’s most likely because I felt unfulfilled.  But, not enough for me to really want to give up the job because of the “convenience” factor.

I whined to my husband incessantly about my right to be able to be with my baby and the corporation’s unrealistic expectations for return.  There was no way I was going to leave my baby in someone else’s care unless they were qualified.  And remember: You can’t pay someone enough money when they are willing to do it for Free.  I knew in my heart no one could love my children for free like I could. I’m their Mom.

So when the economy tanked; I thanked God.  I told myself, this is a blessing in disguise.  Where those around me saw insecurity I saw strength.

However, my husband being the older and wiser of the two of us said to me “Use this time.  Figure out what you want – Go for it!” And as my mom chimed it “Time is promised to no one.” I only felt more pressure. Ugh!

But truth be told no matter what advice was being thrown my way; I was just trying to make up for lost time with my babies.   I didn’t want to hear anyone’s opinion until I could fill the void in my heart and get over the guilt of not being there.  It’s personal.

I delighted being with my children, making every day an adventure and almost exhausting myself to share my “world” with them.

One year quickly became two years; One baby quickly became three. And I began to put myself on the back burner.  I delighted in being home and truly believe that this is the true place for a woman’s heart to be at peace.

So why am I not in Peace?

I’ll be honest, I’ve been struggling with myself lately as I believe most professional women do and you can’t blame anyone for your Life except for you.

What should come first my career or my children and how am I supposed to balance it?   One part of me is pulling for my children but the other part is silently scratching at my heart.

Don’t get me wrong; searching for happiness is a luxury not everyone is afforded so I’m not complaining. But, you better believe I am questioning.

It’s a constant battle within me and my heart always gives in to my children which is why I think the struggle is so hard.  I’m completely self-sacrificing as most women are.

My husband forced me to look deep inside myself. Scary.

But, you’ll never convince me that sitting 8 hours at a desk as a placeholder is enough to keep me away from my children.  And, the truth is that I don’t want to be away from them but I recognize now, that the time that they need to depend on me is coming to an end. And, if I want to be healthy I will need to work.

But doing what?

I worked hard these last five years – harder and longer hours than any employer could ever have hoped;  for FREE and I enjoyed it, I was “happy”.

But happiness is a complicated issue.  There are so many pieces that make us a whole person that it really is the journey that we should be happy with.

But, now as my children take their first steps towards independence I see that my journey will once again change.

And my search for happiness continues.

Live and Learn. We all do.

Thanks for Reading.  Please pass this on to someone who means something to you.